In My Mind
by Lady Cailin
Summary: Several personal one shots from different members of the Slayers gang that I'll be adding as I write them.
1. Zelas: Poor Little Xel-chan

Poor Xel-chan by Lady Cailin  
  
Authors Note/Disclaimer:   
  
A short fic (very short, as in this is one page, enjoy the blurb) I wrote way back, set in Zelas' point of view. Yes I'm throwing a bit of cannon out the window, but why not when it makes such a cute couple? There will probably be a few more of these since I tend to write them when I feel like writing but I don't feel like working on something that actually needs to be done. . .Enjoy everyone!  
  
All characters are copyright their respective owners. No infringement of copyright is intended and the following material is not intended for profitable reproduction. Another words: Slayers good. Me like Slayers. Spent all money on Slayers. Please no sue?  
  
  
  
  
I smile as Xellos bows one last time and leaves. He was fairly glowing with anticipation when I granted his request to see that little dragon. I chuckle and lean back into the plush furs of my thrown. I knew this day would come eventually. He's strong enough to feel those deeper emotions. I sigh with a half smile on my face as the humor in the situation.   
  
My baby is growing up.  
  
Poor Xel-chan. My little boy is in love for the first time and is very confused by the emotions. Then again, we're all confused that first time. Love is a terrifying emotion for us Masoku. We spend our lives killing, maiming- generally romping around causing some good old destruction. Then. . .it happens. We find ourselves wanting to protect something, care for it. . .perhaps even create another thing with it.   
  
Can you imagine the horror? The initial revulsion? It's enough to make you run out to kill it straight away, or at the very least make it suffer cruelly.   
  
Actually. . .that is the normal response. I smile, thinking of all those games with Dynast. We had such fun hating eachother at the beginning, back when the Ruby Lord was still alive and kicking. Those were the days. Such pure. . .destruction.   
  
My little Xel-chan likes to tease her. She's very easy to provoke, and her emotions concerning him are always very strong no matter what nerve my boy picks at. No wonder he's been amused by that for so long, she must make a very good meal. He'll bore with it eventually though, and begin to wonder why he continues to see her. My Xellos isn't a slow one by any means. He'll figure it out and when he does. . .he'll hate her.  
He dislikes her now of course. It's in his blood. Dragons and Demons just naturally grate at each others nerves. When your a spirit of darkness it just makes you want to puke having something so sweet and good flitting around on that high horse. We were created by the Red Lord and the Dragon King to fight beside them. Instinctive dislike for eachother was what made us fight in those first moments of life after the creation.   
  
I digress however.   
  
Xellos will hate her simply because he loves her. Love is a weakness, a dependency, a bolder sitting in the middle of the road to true power. My Xel-chan never did like anything getting in his way. He got that from me I suppose. . .He'll hate her and love her, and crave her all the more for it.   
For us you see, love and hate are simply flip sides of the same coin. True love, and true hate, can only be for one person in our lives. The most important person in our lives. My poor poor Xel-chan. . .he's finally found that person. . .  
  
I do hope she survives.   
  
  



	2. Filia: Sometimes Theres More

Filia: Sometimes Theres More  
By Lady Cailin  
  
I sigh, watching as Val beats his small wings wildly, raising in the air with an excited gurgle. He had only just begun to learn to use his wings, but it wouldn't be long before he would be fluttering around my small shop. He was growing up so fast. Who would have thought that just a year ago he was trying to destroy the world. I smile at the thought. It still seems strange to me, that this laughing child could be the reborn Valgaav. How can those bright eyes be the same ones that looking into mine as he tried to end it all. I still find myself crying for that man he had been at night. Crying for the anguish in his eyes, the dark cry of his soul that shattered through us all at the last moment. The pain my race had caused the day they destroyed his people.  
  
I reach out and take my son in my arms, holding him close as he laughs in triumph at his short flight. My son, thats what he is now. He isn't an ancient or a masuko in my eyes, although at times I can sense the power of both in him. He's just my son, my little Val. I know I will never be able to take back the pain Valgaav had to live through. The blood my people spilled will never wash away, but maybe. . .  
  
If I can give Val the life he should have had, the happiness he deserves, then just maybe I can heal those terrible wounds on Valgaav's soul. Maybe that will be enough to keep me from crying at night. Maybe then I wont feel this terrible guilt that claws at me whenever I look into his aqua eyes. Maybe then I can find redemption.  
  
I smile down at Val as he wiggles in a demand to be put down. As soon as he hits the floor he begins to crawl off, eager to explore the new shop. I have finally managed to make enough to open the second end of my business, my tea shop. I turn back to the list of different teas I have to order for my grand opening, but not before another thought strikes me.  
  
I have a son.   
  
I admit that as a Priestess of the Fire Dragon King I never expected to have children, and after I left. . .I didn't really have time to think about what I would do with my life after the quest, I only wanted to make sure their would be an after. I like it though, and to be honest I wouldn't mind having another child someday. The only problem is. . .well I haven't met anyone I've had any strong emotions for.  
  
Well there is Xellos, he can bring out so many strong emotions in me. Rage, hate, frustration. Those aren't love though. I could never feel anything possibly resembling love for Xellos. He is an evil masuko who has nearly gotten me killed countless times and. . .and. . .  
  
And why do I blush when he teases me like he's always doing? Why did he save me in the cave? Why does he continue to visit me even after all this time? It's true that we all try to meet when we can, and Miss Lina and Mister Gourry come to visit whenever they are passing through, but it's that naginami I see the most. . .  
  
What is between us? There is the natural competitiveness and the almost constant fighting, but sometimes I see more in his smile. . .sometimes theres. . .theres . . .companionship.  
  
I shake my head a dismiss the thought. Companionship springs most often from loneliness and I'm not lonely. I have Val and Jiras and the shop. . .And even if I was lonely then that would have to mean that Xellos visits me either out of pity or his own loneliness. The idea of Xellos being lonely was almost as ludicrous as the idea of him finding it in his black little heart to pity me!  
  
I sigh as I hear that special gurgle from Val that announces Xellos' presence better than even my dragon's senses can. I glance into the back room from my seat at the counter. Two smiling faces look back at me and I find myself shaken. . .because sometimes I see more in his smile. 


	3. Amelia: I Saw You

Amelia: I Saw You  
by Lady Cailin  
  
I know this one isn't really very Amelia like, but it's meant to be that way. It's based more on my own personal theories of why Amelia and Zelgadis would be good together, as well as the more serious idea of the masks people hide behind to protect their emotions. This one goes along with She'll Never Know a Zelgadis POV fic.  
  
I know you don't understand why I love you. I even know how often you want to sit me down and tell me it isn't real. It's just a crush. You get closer to doing it every day. Every time I look at you and let the affection show in my smile, the admiration come through in my voice, you think to yourself that your cheating me by letting this crush continue. I'm almost waiting for the day you take me away from the others to try and explain why I shouldn't love you. Thats the day I'll be able to show you all the reasons I should. All the reasons I do love you, because I don't think you see them. And I'm. . .I'm scared to say them out loud. Because I know they would scare you too.  
  
You don't mind my crush, because thats all you think it is; a little girl's crush. But if you knew I loved you, really knew how much I care. If you knew the way I see past your stone skin and all the reasons you tell yourself you shouldn't be loved. . .then you wouldn't know how to react. You would be terrified of my love for you. You would be afraid because that would mean someone had looked past your curse and your dark attitude, and seen you for who you really are.   
  
I saw you and I loved you.   
  
You didn't think that was possible. All your life you've found ridicule in the eyes of others, and you trained yourself to blame your bad parts. First your weakness, then your curse. It never occurred to you that someone would love those parts too. If someone could love all of you, then maybe that ridicule was for all of you as well. That is the thought that scares you.   
  
So you hide behind the curse, and blame it for the lack of love in your life. Not that I can blame you. . .I'm hiding too. I'm hiding from the injustice that took my mother in my own white washed world. I'm hiding from the pain, and all those bitter feelings this world has to offer. I'm hiding because I'm scared of you loving me too. I'm afraid that you'll see behind my cheerful smile and find out how badly I want you to love me. How badly I need you to love me. My confidence and my justice. . .they just hide the girl who saw you and is terribly afraid you wont see her. Even if you don't see me. . .even if you look into my eyes and can't see what is behind the mask. . .then I would still love you. I couldn't help loving you now. Maybe at the beginning I had a chance, but once I saw you behind those crystalline eyes. . .I couldn't stop loving you now if my life depended on it. It's all I want, all I'll ever really ask of you. . .just. . .let me love you.  
  
I let you think it's just a crush, because that allows me to be near you. Your ignorance of my true feelings is the only thing that keeps you from crushing them in fear. It lets me give you the love you need, the love you deserve. You do deserve to be loved Zelgadis. You deserve to have a woman who will give you her whole heart. . .and let you see behind her mask. Maybe when you are ready to see my love. . .I'll be ready to show you my soul.  
  
For now I'll just love you, and draw you nearer in doing so. For now I'll help you hide the truth from yourself until your ready to see it. For now. . . 


	4. Zelgadis: She'll Never Know

Zelgadis: She'll Never Know  
by Lady Cailin  
  
  
I love her. I love Amelia wil tel Sairoon. Or at least I think this is love. I've never felt this way about anyone before, and I suppose that counts for something. I feel protective, carrying, sometimes even jealous. They all know it. Well. . .Lina suspects, Gourry just sort of nods and smiles in that way that lets you know he has no idea what is going on.  
  
They don't understand why I don't tell her. Why I don't end her doubt and admit what I'm feeling. How can I? How am I supposed to admit to Princess Amelia of Sairoon that I'm in love with her? How can I say that to anyone. . .when I know what I am?  
  
It sounds fairly easy I suppose. . .It's not. I can't do it, because I love her. Amelia is innocent in every sense of the word. She believes in justice; that everything will turn out right in the end. She sees this world in black and white, good and evil. She looks at me as if I was some knight in shining armor and I just want to shake her. I want to scream that I'm not her white knight, that I'm dark inside, she just refuses to see it.  
  
I've been living in shades of gray since I was born. I was taught that the strong rule and the weak are trampled in their wake. I was taught that sacrifices were necessary and the dead deserved their fate for not choosing their path more wisely.  
  
Amelia was taught that justice triumphs and love prevails. She has never had to accept 'necessary losses'. She's never had to see the world as it really is. She's never lost her hope. I lost my hope a long time ago. . .My hope for myself.  
  
I don't want to be the one to cause her to loose that innocent view of the world. It would crush her I think, to realize that good didn't always come out completely victorious. I don't want her to see the gray in her white washed world. Maybe that is selfish of me, I don't know. Before I met her I never believed in innocence. I knew from experience this world was filled with evil. Sometimes it's only lurking under the surface, waiting to come out. . .Maybe I just want to know that there is something pure in this world. That there is still someone who believes in hope and justice. Yes, that does sound selfish. . .but then I never said I wasn't.   
  
I just can't hurt her. I can't lie to her either. It would be so easy to lie to her, to let her believe I'm her white knight, and let her pour that love into me, let it fill up the darkness. . .but it would still be a lie. I'm not a hero, I'm not even a good person half the time. I'm dark inside, and I wont let myself be fooled into thinking I'm something better just because Amelia has been fooled.   
  
If I stay silent Amelia will get over me eventually. Her crush will fade and soon she'll choose the noble husband that will sit beside her as she rules Sairoon. If I don't? If I don't. . .I'll bring the darkness into her world of light. To love me she'll have to accept the dark things I do at times. Amelia is too innocent to love darkness. . .so she'll have to see the gray. It would hurt her, change her.  
  
I don't want to destroy the only pure thing I've ever known. Amelia's love for me. Amelia herself. That is what I'd do to her if I told her. I wont do that. . .but L-sama how I want to. Sometimes it hits me when I look at her. A deep ache to reach out and take the love she offers so willingly. The need to look into her eyes. . .eyes that don't see the blackness in my soul. I can't, I won't because I know what I am inside. It almost seems fitting that Rezo would give me this body.   
  
Sometimes . . .Sometimes I wonder if I really am a monster. I could destroy her with three simple words. . .I love you. . .   
  
Amelia . . .  
  
Amelia would no doubt find this all tragically romantic. . .but then, she'll never know. 


	5. Lord of Nightmares: Child of My Chaos

Lord of Nightmares: Child of My Chaos  
by Lady Cailin  
  
For those that haven't seen the end of Next:  
A) Go out and get it and grab a box of tissues while you at it   
B) Don't be readin this! It's a pretty big spoiler. Go watch Next first, then come back and read it. :p  
  
For those who have seen Next:   
  
I wrote this one while I was having my morning tea, that tell ya anything about time put into it? I only recently saw the end of Next. I got into a discussion with a friend about why the Lord of Nightmares would just give Lina back. This isn't the way I was arguing it, but the way my friend did. She sets everything on emotion while I think it was all dependent on conditions of the spell. (Lina gave up herself to save Gourry, so if Gourry gets destroyed because she gave up herself the deal doesn't really work now does it?)   
  
Anyway, there is probably a lot of bad grammar and missing comma's all around since I just sort of spit this one out. . .hark and beware and all that.  
  
Enjoy and Review!  
  
  
  
+ + +  
  
  
The Lord of Nightmares closed her golden eyes as she retreated, pulling back from this world she had created. Pulled back before she destroyed it all. . .   
  
In a way she thanked this girl. Lina Inverse. She had given all that she was for the lives of her friends. For the life of the human Gourry Gabriev. Yet this small human girl had also given her a brief moment in the world of her creation. A world she could never touch, least the eternal chaos which moved through her envelope the world as well. It was a treasured gift that had cost the girl her life. Soon the chaos of the girl's creation would rejoin with the Lord of Nightmares. Then the girl would be no more than a drop in her eternal sea.  
  
"Lina!!!"  
  
The Lord of Nightmares didn't need to open the eyes of the body she had been called into to see the man floating towards her. Already they had begun to return to the Sea of Chaos, where only she existed. Beyond petty ideas of body and self, in the Sea of Chaos there was only her golden light.   
  
Her power was strong here. How could this little human, who had not even the power to tap the magics of this world. . .how had he broken through the Chaos to be here? Then she felt it, the will that would not bend to the waves of her power. It was his will that had brought him here. Just as it was Lina's will which had called her forth from the Sea of Chaos. How proud she was of these humans. Only they of all her creations had this power trapped within their fragile bodies. The power to defy her.   
  
"Lina!!!" He screamed, his blue eyes desperate as he tried to move faster.   
  
"Gourry." A voice which was not her own, yet was also a part of her now. Lina Inverse, still she remained in essence, because the man was not yet safe. The Lord of Nightmares felt the worry sweep through her, through the bond of her chaos to Lina's.  
  
"Maybe your stubborn and sort of perverse. Maybe you trick people with your charm. Maybe you look down on anyone who's weaker than you, but I-" The Lord of Nightmares stopped her decent into the Sea of Chaos. The man would not survive if she continued much further. Already it was a miracle of his will that he had traversed this far into the chaos of her being. He had done so for the girl. How strong human emotions were. She had almost forgotten. . .  
  
"-Lina. . .I NEED YOU!!" His voice rang even here, yet it was the cry of his chaos, his soul which the Lord of Nightmares heard. It was a longing, a lonely cry of need that could not be voiced in a thousand human lifetimes. It was an emotion that flowed through her doubly as the man too began to be consumed by her chaos, an emotion she too recalled from the centuries before. Her separation from her kind. . .   
  
"Gourry. . .Gourry go back! You have to get out of here!" The girl cried. He cannot hear you child of my chaos. The Lord of Nightmares watched as the man's armor melted away, burnt by the waves of her power. Soon his body would burn away as well.  
  
"He has to go back. I didn't do this just to have him die now." There was a burst in the waves of chaos surrounding them as the girl tried to push him back with her own will.   
  
"Lina don't leave me!!" Gourry cried again. He finally reached Lina, reaching out for her, but she melted away before he could pull her into his arms. The Lord of Nightmares felt the longing, the pain. Yes. . .human emotions. . .how very strong they were.  
  
"Gourry. . .Please just go back Gourry. . ." He will not leave without you child. I can feel his will like a flame in my sea. . .   
  
It was then the Lord of Nightmares called the chaos forth. She had created life from the chaos before. She would do so again. She would not let it end this way for these humans who had given her a moment on her planet, a moment of. . .life   
  
The Lord of Nightmares watched as Gourry pulled Lina into his arms, holding her close. Her protector. She pushed them back to their world even as she descended to her own. Back to the Sea of Chaos were only her golden light shown.  
  
Go now child of my chaos, till again we are as one. . . 


	6. Xellos: My Filia

Xellos: My Filia  
by Lady Cailin  
  
I smile my eternal smile, watching the little group of adventurers from my position against the tall tree we are camped under for the night. The flickering lights of the small fire barely touch me in this little corner of mine, and only an outlined figure and a flash of smile are discernible from the night surrounding us. It only takes a glance or two in my direction for the others to decide to ignore me. It's always disturbing to see the shadows stand out from the night, and they don't value the site of my dark form hidden here. It reminds them of danger, the threat I pose and the one behind us. No one likes to be reminded of things like that on nights like these, so they shut out my presence and don't look to my little corner again.  
  
Isn't it amazing what a little thing like good positioning can do?  
  
Lina finally sits back with a sigh after polishing off nearly half of the food supplies with Gourry's help. We'll be arriving at a town tomorrow to restock, but Lina is sure to make everyone's morning offal when they run out of food in the middle of breakfast.   
  
I'm looking forward to it.  
  
Lina, dear Miss Lina Inverse. Power practically radiates off of her, especially since that incident with Lord Hellmaster and the Lord of Nightmares. I don't think she realizes it, but that golden energy still hovers around her aura. It's so thick I can almost taste the chaotic power. And she wonders why we mazuko like her so much.   
  
I did believe I was in love with her, once. It's not unknown for the more powerful mazuko to feel something that might be called love. I'm sure humans wouldn't see it as such, but in our spectrum of feelings it's actually a quite tender emotion. It wasn't to be however. I'm afraid dear little Lina is meant for greater things than I, so the master decrees. Ah well, I'm not that disappointed, I wasn't in love with her, just her power. Her power and her anger, I'd never tasted anything so wonderfully delicious as Lina Inverse's anger.   
  
Until I met Filia-san that is.   
  
I step into the circle of light cast by the fire and sit down next to my dragon maiden, and feel her agitation beginning to radiate almost immediately. She doesn't show her anger just yet, but continues sipping her tea in a calm manor as if she hasn't even noticed my lowly presence.  
  
I wonder if I could get her to break the cup. . .  
  
There really is nothing in this world like Filia-san's anger, especially when it's directed to me. Pure, unadulterated rage at a moments notice. It's like a banquet of the best dragon cuisine served every day. It is desert that has become my favorite part though. I've grown fond of that mace of hers. I can actually say I get chills of excitement every time she reaches for it.   
  
I think I could get her to break the cup.  
  
She really is an intriguing creature, my Filia-san. When I first saw the little dragon bossing around Lina Inverse and crew with that yellow tail twitching I was. . .highly amused is the least I can say. Then she smashed Zelgadis-san with her mace and I could have kissed her.   
  
I almost did.  
  
Then I decided it wouldn't be the best way to introduce myself. Of course, the introduction didn't go. . .exactly as I'd planned. If fact I don't remember the last time I was so agitated by someone as I was by Filia. Naturally I have since recovered and am in perfect control again.   
  
Filia has not been so blessed in control of her own emotions. Even sensing my presence for long enough can throw her into a fit of rage. I know, I've tried. Lately though, she's begun to mellow. Its taken her longer to work into a fight, a higher degree of rage to break through the 'dragon maiden' matra she sings to herself while I taunt her.   
  
She's getting used to me. I'm not sure if I like that. It was in my best interests to allow Lina and her little crew to become comfortable enough with me that they could forget my presence at times. To allow Filia to do so. .somehow grates at my nerves. She may pretend to ignore me, but even now her senses have become attuned to me and she's barely following that campfire conversation any longer. The idea of allowing her to forget my presence with the ease of the others does not sit well.   
  
After all, she's my Filia-san.  
  
I could definitely get her to break the cup. 


End file.
